Friday, December 9, 2011

Mommy Guilt

Do you ever just come to the end of the day tired utterly exhausted?  And in the utter exhaustion, you just go off on those around you?!
Ugh.  Well, tonight that was me.  I was up WAY too early today.  My husband came home from work and for some reason was a chatty cathy, and I interacted and couldn't fall back to sleep.  So, I got up early and got ready and it just seemed like I was go go going.  Had to go do some Christmas shopping.  And one would think that would be fun, but yeah, not so much today because I was just in a hurry.  Then when I got home, the house was torn up from leaving the children home ~ not by themselves, my hubby was home, although in bed.  So, I came home and rushed them around tried to straighten up and then bundled them all in the truck to go to the library.  Every 3 weeks or so, we go to the library for computer/library skills.  Otherwise known as a nice "field trip" for mom!
Today has just been one of those days.  For all the running and then coming home cleaning, cooking, and such I was exhausted by the end of the night.  And as a mom, I failed tonight.  I totally UGH.  I messed up.  Before bedtime I sent the boys to their rooms to clean them ~ and I threatened no Christmas presents if it didn't get clean enough.  And, they heard in a very exhausted mommy voice ~ I'm tired of their pig sty's, I'm sick of always telling them and telling them.  How disappointed it made me at their lack of assistance when it came to toys everywhere in the house.  You know the drill.  Well, maybe you don't.  And if you don't ~ Do you have kids, and if so WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?!?!?!?!

And so tonight, I put the guys to bed after this confrontation and I fairly collapsed ~ after picking up a little downstairs ~ in bed, fully expecting to fall asleep fast.  Nope, I have a horrible case of mommy guilt.  I know I handled everything poorly.  I know I was wrong.  I know I wasn't a good, let alone a half way decent example of Jesus.  And so, I blew it.  I made empty threats that I won't follow through on.  I raised my voice when I could've spoken with way more love than frustration.  And in the process, I made my guys cry.  I didn't show love the way I should've or could've.
And so here I sit, blogging my failures.  And full of mommy guilt.  Debating if I am actually going to post this.  But I think I will.  So it can remind me that I need to work on this more.  That I need to become more kind and loving ~ even through exhaustion, which is NOT an excuse to get away with being thoughtless and harsh.
And I'm thankful that tomorrow, we can start with a new fresh clean slate.  And I pray that I will be able to do things differently tomorrow!

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