Monday, August 30, 2010

how do you say goodbye?

I know that for those who know Christ as our Saviour, it is only just a temporary goodbye. But, it still hurts so much. Christine was one of the most awesome women, mother, wife, friend, I had ever had the pleasure of knowing

Jesse and i have been married for 10 1/2 years. We weren't able to always come and visit as much as we wanted to. But for the last year, we didn't know why, but God had moved us back here. And so we got a full year with her. Which in the big picture, is not alot AT ALL.
We each got our birthday's celebrated with her. We got one Thanksgiving, one Christmas and all the in between holiday stuff with her. My boys got to spend the night at their house a few times ~ now I wish I would've had them do it more. They got to go to the fair once with gramma and grampa. She made Sunday dinner for us every week ~ and let me tell ya, there's a lot of us. We got so much out of this last year, but it just left me hungry for more.

I don't understand why God chose to take her away from us. I still have so much to learn from her.

She was an awesome cook. She was the epitome of a housewife ~ her house always immaculate. She was Proverbs 31 personified. She was so patient. She was so kind and loving. She loved her grandkids.

She always told me ~ and pretty much everyone that Jesse was her special one, her favorite. And I'm so grateful that we were here for a year. I miss her so deeply, that I cannot imagine how her children hurt. I never knew it would be so devastating to lose someone SO vital to a family. Are we strong enough to go on without her? She wouldn't have it any other way.
She lived her life for God and Heaven, and now she is with HIM. She fought a good fight, finnished her course, and kept the faith. Now there are many crowns laid up for her. She left a legacy behind. Not just one of the trivial ones. But she left me behind an example to follow. A life to emulate. She taught me to be kind, love my kids, have a relationship with God, serve others selflessly. She taught it to me not just in words, but by deeds. And I hope that one day, I can finish my course with little regrets to how I lived my life.
As my father in law has been saying ~ she was an unusual woman. She was hard for me to understand at times when I lived away. But in the past year, I got to know her and see her in a new light. And I understand somewhat those unusual ways.
But she leaves me a legacy behind. I know I can't live up to it the way she did. But she never expected me too. If I had said to her "I can't do it as you do" I know she would laughed that wonderful laugh of her's and humbly say that she doesn't do much, but that you can do only what you can do.
She never thought she was anything special. SHE WAS. And we all LOVED her. But I pray that, as she is now a part of that great cloud of witnesses, that I may live life, no, not to honor her because she would be angry about that, but that I may live my life to honor HIM who she served. She taught me that ~ honor God and the rest will take care of itself.
So, as today starts 2 very long HARD days of goodbyes, I would just like to say for the record. We miss her and her influence. But we hope we can honor her, by honoring God.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

When the sacred is torn

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is a song by Natalie Grant.

This is how I feel tonight. Like the sacred has been torn from my life.
This morning around 12:30 am, my mother in law, Christine Mae McCoy, fly home to be with Jesus. Which makes me cherish another song called Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice
the last verse says:
And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

She wanted to fly in Heaven. Now she is.
She had been sick a while. But yesterday, she declined FAST. And finally, after her family had told her of their love, (I can't speak for everyone here, but I told her it was okay if she wanted to just fly to heaven); most of us had went home to put our sad and grouchy kids to bed. My father in law, Dave, Jesse (my hubby) and Seth, my brother in law, stayed at the Hospital. And Jesse sitting by her bedside watched as her heart rate would spike, then drastically drop for a few minutes then it just stopped all together. That is when she kissed the world goodbye and was able to laugh on Glory's side. She flew to Jesus.
But the sacred was torn from us. She was our mother. She was our gramma. She was our sister. She was our friend. She was a HUGE MAJOR part of our lives. And she is no longer with us. And that hurts so deeply.
In no way would I beg her to come back ~ though I (and we) so would take her back. She is no longer in pain or suffering like she was. But we miss her so much.
I'm grateful beyond words for the peace, comfort, and assurance we have of heaven.
And like Aunt Terry kept saying yesterday, we aren't crying for her, cause she's gaining Heaven. We are weeping for our loss. And it is so true. We miss her beyond words.
It was so strange today, being at her house. It is so filled with her personality. She was always to one to be up and about getting things ready for whatever was happening ~ dishes out, food prepared. But she wasn't and it felt so empty without her there. There was a lot of people there, but you could just feel her presence gone. And WE MISS HER.
There is a sacredness in the ordinary. One that I didn't realize that I took for granted until today. And the sacred was torn from us. While searching tonight for photos of her, I realized there weren't many. There weren't many of her and the grandkids. There weren't any of her and I. There weren't many of her and so many things that I wish now that I had taken. I wish I had pictures of her cooking. I wish I had helped her more, learned more from her. I wish so many things.
But I pray that maybe, I will learn from this and be able to say from here on out, I have no more regrets.
Today, the sacred was torn from us, but BLESSED BE THE LORD. HE knows how to touch our hearts and bring us sweet peace. The sacred was torn from us, but HE knows how to repair it someday. I am so grateful for the promise and peace of Heaven, knowing that one day, HE will wipe these tears from our eyes.
The sacred was torn from us. But, still, HE is so kind, loving and merciful.
The sacred was torn from us ~ but not forever.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Week 2

Wow, it's hard to believe that we are already into week 2 with school. Life has truly been a whirlwind of non stop activity it seems.

So far, Xavier has more work/homework than he can truly appreciate. I'm glad though, cause he needs all practice he can get ~ his 2 problem areas this year will be his penmanship ~ that took a severe hit last year and ABeka is very very strict with their grading of penmanship ~ and math. When you watch the videos, they do oral combinations, which means the teachers says something like 9+5-8x3-2/4= then those kids on video blurt out the answer (the answer is 4). But while Xav is still stuck trying to figure out what 9+5= they have already answered and on the next question. I think 3rd grade was a key year that we really just crippled Xavier with not having him do. And I feel bad about that. But, he is starting to get quicker. It only needs time and practice. Also with Math they have speed drills they have to do, but poor lil man only usually gets like 3 done before time is up. I feel badly for him, but he is just gonna have to get used to it. If any of my teacher friends have any good advice to help with his math issues ~ I'm open to suggestions. Oh, yeah and another thing he has a hard time with is keeping up with them in spelling/poetry/verse recitation. He seems like he lags, but I just have to keep telling him not to go back and "get" the words/letters he missed, but keep moving on and he's finally catching on.

Tucker, who before school even started would cry and say how scared he was, has now decided that he LOVES school. His video teacher, Mrs. Bere, does such an awesome job making it exciting for them. I only hope that he can get how to write in cursive. They start out with little i then move on to little u; he did awesome with little i but the little u is giving him a run for his money. he wants to just straight lines not the curvey, bounce off the floor touch the ceiling bounce off the floor, fluid movements. So that is his challenge. But other than writing, he loves it.

Gunner ~ oh, that little demon child. He's totally full of it. He is so full of sweetness and love one minute, the next he is full blown wild ornery and evil. Just the other day, I couldn't find his sippy cups ANYWHERE, so I was forced to give him an open cup ~ which he does fine with, but has to stay on the table. So, I'm in the kitchen and look in the living room and he has his cup and I tell him "Gunner go put that cup on the table" and he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and gives me a look that says "you can't stop this" and deliberately and maliciously dumps the entire contents of the cup of chocolate milk on my carpet. Then gets this smug look on his face of "how do you like me now". OH.MY.WORD. That child got his tiny hiney whupped. But not even an hour later, he did it the exact same way with Tucker's cup. Oh, that child is gonna be such a handful as he gets older. Oy vey. He's lucky he's my last cause if he'd have been my first, there never would've been any more.

Jesse is supposed to start working at the VA Police in Syracuse on September 13th. He had his psych eval yesterday and passed. I'd say with flying colors, but, he didn't do so hot on the timed bubble test. As a matter of fact during his interview with the psychologist, he was asked if he was in any "special classes" in school. Today, he is getting his physical done and we are just keeping his fingers crossed that his normally outrageously high blood pressure is at least in an acceptable range.

And me, I'm just here, cleaning, and cooking, and homeschooling. I'm blessed with my life. I finally found my book again "Lies women believe" by Nancy Leigh Demoss and have picked it up again and am reading it. as always, I'm blessed by it. One lie that I have found that I tell myself all the time is I don't have time to do everything I'm supposed to do. She says that we as women try to do everything, and we run ourselves ragged and get so busy. And that is Satan's goal. To keep me so busy that I forget the important things in life. I'm here to do what God has called me to do. As a woman, I try to do it all, but in so doing, I usually put the important stuff on the back burner. So, I'm trying to simplify my life and listen and figure out what things in my life GOD wants there and what things I want there and doing my best to cut back on my wants and build my desire for what God wants me to do. I love this study it is so convicting and I have found and picked it right up where I really needed it lately. I just LOVE how God works! Isn't HE awesome!?!?!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Hopefully life can slow down a little ~

We have been back from Galesburg for less than a week and our life is still pretty hectic with unpacking, working, and getting the house ready for 2 classrooms next week.
Jesse got word that he is gonna be starting in Syracuse as a police officer at the VA next month, but in the in between, he has doctor appointments, psych evals, physicals, and overtime scheduled at Rome Labs.

I ended up having to resign my position. My boss was getting really very snooty about having to "accomodate" me so much, and since Jesse was going to be going here, there, and everywhere, and not home much, I had to quit. We start school Monday, so we have to have some sort of schedule around here. And my boss wasn't going to be willing to work around what i needed him to. I don't blame him, but my husbands job always ALWAYS trumps any part time work I do. So that was that.

We had an awesome time in Illinois. We left around 9 pm Wednesday evening and drove through the night. We were allowed to check into our hotel early and we were there at 10:30 am. So really it was only about a 14 hour trip and that was nice. Jesse did a great job driving through the worst part of the night. I finished the driving from about 6 am on. And Jesse *tried* to sleep. He doesn't sleep well when I drive, he claims I'm a bad driver. But let me tell ya ~ while in the police academy, he took defensive driving, and he drives like a cop on a high speed chase ALL. THE. TIME. So, he needs to not even want to go there :D

So, we called and arranged to have my sister meet us with my mom at pizza hut for lunch and we were able to surprise my mom by being there a day early. Then we went out, got my dad out of work a couple hours early and he was TOTALLY surprised. It was great. I have never seen my dad speechless before. And I still don't think it totally set in!
My mom, sister Dawn, and I were busy little bee's trying to get the last minute things done for the surprise party on that Saturday.
It was awesome. He was again speechless, and just totally enjoyed his party. Of course, it was hard to actually get him to sit down and eat, but he never does at hardly any function! Always the servant!
And the whole time, we were able to spend alot of the time and I think every evening in the hotel pool with my nephews and whatever miscallaneous family happened to be there. It was truly one of the best vaca's ever ~ got to spend time with my family, got to shop a little, and swam ALOT! I think the boys are still pruny!!!!!!
So, that is what we did last week ~ and tomorrow is Sunday and the start of another new week, and beginning of school. I'm excited and so is Xavier. I will do my best to keep updating my blog. I will be initiating LOTS of new habits (at least I hope they will become habits) into our daily scheduling and I'm super excited to see what God has in store for us. I'll post pix soon!

Love you all!