Monday, June 29, 2009

I need an outlet

I need an outlet. I have never kept a diary, but was willing to give it a shot and have failed so far. My computer is "my place" so I figure to give it a shot. And I really don't expect anyone I know to read this for a while, so I feel safe enough to just write my feelings not givin' a crap if total strangers read it!

Life is so hectic and confusing for me right now. Jesse's job is much as we know going to end July 31st. He has applications in all over the country. I hate this limbo stuff. If we are going to move, let's just quit prolonging my angst over it and get it over with. At this point, I've already wrestled with God over my desire to NOT move that HE has given me a peace that I know that if we do HAVE to move, I can handle it and it'll be okay. Now, I just need to know if we ARE going to move. And now, I am beginning to get that itch to move again! So are we going or are we staying????????? I DON'T KNOW and it's killin' me!

This month is so stinkin' busy for us. I just got back from Jr. camp. That was an adventure. If we went to another camp, I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but unless NEEDED (like this time) I would not choose to go back to this camp. It was a long, exhausting trip. It was filled with pre-teen drama (SSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO glad I don't have girls). I ended up having to stay at a hotel cause the camp wouldn't allow me to stay with T and G at the camp cause they were under camper age. So, it was extremely long and exhausting for them cause we were up WAY earlier than they are used to and didn't get them to bed till WAY later than they are used to. But for all the exhaustion and inconvenience 6 children from our church received Christ as their Saviour and so that just makes it all worth it! I did have a good time mostly. It was great to just get to know our kids and my pastor's wife in a different setting.

I homeschool. 'Nuff said -------------------Well, maybe not. I homeschool my oldest who just finished up his 2nd grade. He did good; I on the other hand ~ not so much. It was a difficult academic year. I was VERY far behind on his paperwork, still am for that matter. I am just frustrated about it. I wish with all my little heart that there was a GOOD Christian school with the curriculum I like for the cost I could afford. But there isn't. Maybe if we move........................................... I would love to put him in a school, but we shall see. I'm proud of how well he did, we just have to get his end of the year evaluation. Which in and of itself is a trial! Hard to find someone to do it, and then it's a matter of affording it ~~~~~ Did I mention, my husband is getting laid off?!?!?!?!?!

I'm torn. I really want to stay here because I love our church. Our church is the only reason we stayed here after J got out of the Marine Corps. But the longer I think on it, the nicer it would be to move back North and be around family again. We eventually noticed we needed a plan b in case we couldn't find a job here. So we asked and J's family said they wouldn't mind if we needed to live with them until we got on our feet again. It's not ideal, and it's a hard pill for J to swallow, but it is wonderful knowing we have a place to fall. You may wonder why we are choosing J's family over mine ~ it's simple. Not that we do not love my family or appreciate all they have ever done for us ~ which is TONS. But, J's family has apartments we could live in for next to nothing. Free childcare for when we both are working. And all of J's neices and nephews are closer to our children's ages than my nephews. If we are to leave here and be by family, I really want my children to grow up with cousins their age and get to know their great grandma's and great aunts and uncles, who are always doing stuff together. Not that I don't want my children to know my family, but they already do. We've seen my family the most. And if we move back north, we would be closer to my family. It's just that J's family is more ideal ........kwim?????

Anyways. I told J tonight that I wish I could just go to sleep tonight and wake up mid-august wherever we are going to be. He got a little perturbed and accused me to trying to stress him out more than he already is. And that is NOT what I was trying to do, so that is why I decided to just do this blogging thing. To vent and be able to hash out my feelings so that when J and I talk things over, it won't be so............................................emotional, or pushy??? Maybe. I hope!