Wednesday, July 8, 2009


My mind is all hazy. I am an utter emotional mess. I have so many thoughts wreaking havoc in my mind that I can't sort it all out, but that is what my blog is for ~ one day, maybe I will look back and understand cause it's for sure that at this moment, I dont at all.

Well, where do I begin ~

I really have no one I can talk to. My mom (who I talk to about everything) doesn't yet know about us moving to NY, so she's out. Jesse just gets frustrated and snipe-y. My sister, we're not that close, and I doubt she'd understand our reasons. My friends here just get all "oh, no, you can't leave." and they are praying for me to stay here.
I just can't explain it. I have this sudden..................................need to be there. It's deep, and it's unexplainable. But I just feel the urgent need to move to new york. I don't understand it. I've never had the desire to. And it scares the freakin' bejeebers out of me to move there. We have never really lived (as a couple before) near family. We've always been so independent and I've loved that about us. But since Jesse got his layoff notice, a fire started in me to go to new york and it has only grown.
And like I said, I don't understand it.
We are very active members in the greatest church in America (the world, really). It's not huge, but it isn't too small. It's diverse in ages, ethnicity and talents. I am so blessed that I get to be part of the volunteer staff. I get to be part of the music ministry. A vital part ~ I am the church pianist. And have been for 3 years fulltime. And I L-O-V-E love it. I am blessed by it. I love doing it. It is demanding, but I don't mind. I love that I get to play the beautiful oak steinway baby grand every Sunday and Wednesday and on special days too! And I get to participate in our ladies meetings (usually, I'm the first one in line to eat!) And we are right now in the process of preparing for VBS in 2 weeks. I love being with the people in our church. They aren't just people I go to church with. They are people I love. They aren't just acquaintances. We are framily (friends who are as dear as family). We spend our holidays together. Fourth of July Fish Fry's, Labor day picnics, Memorial Day picnics. On Thanksgiving (my 2nd most favorite holiday ~ 4th of July is my fave) because most of us don't have immediate family in the area, we spend our Turkey days at church ~ A couple of us do a few turkeys, and a ham, bring sides and desserts and we have Thanksgiving dinner with our framily. Then after dinner, we break out the games for those of us who decide to stay all day and into the late night!!!!!! Our church framily is so important to us.
I don't understand why we are being led to move to a church that already has workers, so therefore, we won't be able to be as plugged in in the ways I love to serve in. The church we attend already has a pianist, why do i have to leave my "job"? I don't know, but I do know that I have this new deep seated need to move to be around family. And it hurts me to know that I will be leaving this framily whom we love dearly and know better than our own family. I don't understand.
I don't think that Jesse truly wants to go. Every time we talk about it, I get the feeling that he'd rather stay. Okay, I get it. But, our whole married life (all 9 1/2 years of it ;0 ) have been spent doing what he wants. He wanted to go in the Marine Corps 3 months after we got married. I didn't like it at first, but fell in love with the Corps life. After his first enlistment, he decided to get out and I was all on board, and uprooted myself and son to start making the necessary arrangements. While overseas, he decided to re-enlist after telling (no, not asking my opinion) telling me that he was going to reenlist. I wasn't happy about it, but supported him, cause that's what wives do. He got stationed in the last place I wanted to live. But enjoyed it while we were there. He then decided to get out of the Corps against what I wanted and stay where we are now. WHATEVER. Out comes the supportive wife role. He wanted to go into law enforcement. NOT my idea, but I swear, he has a hero complex, but I made it very clear that he could, only if he got hired at a few certain cities departments, and made it VERY clear I didn't want him on at the sheriff's office. Guess where he ends up working ~ as a deputy Sheriff. {And this is where we come in with the lay offs} Granted, they were the only place that hired him at that point, but still, the fact remains that {I feel} all decisions were made contrary to my feelings. And to some extent, so is this one. He really would rather stay here, and yes, I understand it. I am not a horrible spoiled rotten brat. But it sure would be nice every once in a while for my opinion to be heard and taken into consideration and maybe followed just a bit.
Do I want to move, totally? No. I hate the thought of leaving my church and framily behind ~ we will never again find a church like ours. But, I have this overwhelming desire to be in New York. And I don't know why.
I have been wondering lately if I am sick and don't know it, or if someone we love is. And it is our chance to just be with family that we haven't spent much time with. Maybe thats it.
I worry about what it will be like if we do move there. What will our life be like? How will family relations work? Will they be helpful to us? Can I be of use there? Will we all get along decently? Just so much goes through my head that I worry and wonder about, but I have decided that everything is going to be put in God's most capable hands. I don't know if that will stop my pea-brain from overanalyzing things. More than likely not! But, HE'll work them out in due time, I suppose. I just hate that I have to wait and see. That KILLS me. Patience is NOT my strong suit.
All I know is that I would love to see the seasons again ~ the four seasons, winter spring summer and FALL. Not just the two seasons ~ wet Hurricane season and dry season. And that I didn't get a chance to grow up around family. The "ministry" took us away most of the time, so I don't really know my extended family all that well. And I want my kids to grow up with their cousins and know their aunts, uncles, grandparents, great- aunts, uncles, and gramma's. I just hope it's possible!

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