just a glimpse

I don't know if maybe I should keep this private. I know I don't have many readers, and the ones I know who do read my blog, I hope they understand my heart.
I realize that some of the things I'm gonna say may be offensive to some as they may sound rather blasphemous.
And I'm warning you right now, I have a twisted way of thinking. I don't think conventionally. I think it's kinda funny, because most people think Job's wife was a horribly nagging wife. I see her differently. I see a mom who has not only lost everything they owned, but lost all of her children and her grandchildren in one terrorist attack. Then not many days (if not hours) later, her husband became EXTREMELY ill. I see Mrs. Job as a hurt and aching woman who just wanted to be with her kids again. And that's all she could see through her grief.
When Ifinally figured that out, it TOTALLY changed my view of a lot of stuff in the Bible. I stopped letting "man" tell me how to interpret the Bible. I let God's Word show me what I needed. And I've done that again. I read my Bible. Do my darnedest to read it every day. I know I could be more faithful to ~ I know I could read more, so I try.
My favorite authors are Brock and Bodie Thoene. They have written this awesome series called the AD Chronicles. They have taken the life of Jesus from the Gospels and have fictionalized characters and wrote about the lives that Jesus touched. I read those and they have a Bible study guide that goes with them, so I try to use them to study the Bible too. You should read them. Those books opened my eyes up to help me make Jesus more real in my life. Did you know Jesus was a real live human being about 2011 years ago?! Sometimes I forget that.
For me, sometimes I read the Bible as, not a guidebook or loveletter, but as a 'well, I'm supposed to read this book' obligatory reading. So it seems I get too detached to let it sink in. But I just love when it hits home and makes me think! I pray it happens more than it does.

What I'm about to write about, like I said, I hope I don't offend. Please know my heart. This is just the way I feel right now, at this stage of my life. It's just a glimpse into the weird way my mind works ;). Scary I know. If you don't want to read further, I understand!

Okay, so I'm just gonna quit rambling and just jump right in. Forgive me if I don't make sense, i'm still trying to figure it out myself
I know I have alluded in a previous post that I have been down alot lately. I'm not gonna talk about why. That isn't what's important. but what is important is what I have come to understand about my Jesus.
Jesus was a human. All man, while yet still ALL GOD. That I can't fathom and I literally get a headache just trying to wrap my mind around the enormity of that. What I focus on is that HE was human. He was tempted just like us.
And another thing I focus on ~ people are stupid, mean, cruel, and uncaring creatures. Even back when Jesus walked the earth. Jesus walked among the cruel people, yet HE was compassionate. Jesus spent HIS time on earth helping the hurt, broken people and he was reviled and HATED for it. People tried to entrap HIM, tried to harm HIM. People plotted to have HIM destroyed. And when it was HIS time and the FATHER's choosing, they did. Or so they thought, but by conquering HIM, HE conquered death and hell. That gives me shivers. All for me. Okay, and you too! But I'm selfish and like to think (cause I do know it's true) that HE would've came just for me!
But anywho ~ HE had to deal with all of the crap of life. HE was basically homeless. HE had followers who were selfish and had a "ME FIRST" mentality. His followers were always trying to out do everyone else. Can you imagine ~ goody two shoes while HE was around, but when HE left to be alone to pray ~ can you imagine it ~ sitting down to discuss HIS obtuse teachings and then going after each other, not caring for the other. Backstabbing each other, and worst of all being disloyal and doubting HIM. Jesus the only begotten of the FATHER. We know one did betray him to the death for a monetary benefit.
But, that isn't what I think about mostly. Here lately, I've wondered what Jesus did when HE went alone to pray. Or when HE spent the 40 days in the wilderness.
It comforts me to know that HE was human, yet never sinned. It comforts me that the GOD of the old testament got angry ~ and were it not for Moses intercession at some points, God would've wiped Israel away, and started a nation over with Moses.
And when I remember that ~ I think about the verse that says be ye angry and sin not. It doesn't say don't EVER get angry. Just don't sin in anger. GOD got angry. That is part of HIS character. And I am glad HE loves me so much that HE is angered when I wander away from him. But on the flip side, I'm glad I have Jesus to be my advocate to withhold God from wiping me off the planet!
But ~ what did JESUS do and say when HE went to the Father. HE was like us. I like to think that those who denied HIM, that hurt HIM. I think HE struggled. I think HE grieved.
Now, here is where some might be offended but this is what it is. I'm not trying to be GOD. But I wonder what some of Jesus' prayers were like. Here's what I think ~
'Father ~ I am YOUR SON. I am the Messiah, the HOLY ONE of Israel. But they don't give a hoot. all they want is their tummies filled. I'm giving them not only bread to feed their bellies, but I am trying to feed their souls, but they don't care. Father, I'm frustrated. My disciples want to be glorified. They say they believe who I AM. But they are just vying for positions in YOUR kingdom. Nobody wants to serve YOU. They only want to know what I can do for them. It's heart wrenching to see people I have healed to turn and walk away never really caring what was done for them outside of the benefits it provides them. It makes ME so angry, Father, to see YOUR HOUSE being turned into a profit house. Does anyone want to worship you with their whole minds, hearts, bodies, and souls anymore? I'm just frustrated. I'm struggling, Father. Give me your heart to love when no one loves back. When I am hurt by how they reject the LIVING WATER, may it still pour unceasingly from ME. But, not MY WILL YOURS, Father ~ for thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever, AMEN"
That is just what I hear if I listen carefully and think about it. And it makes the current struggles I am going through a little lighter to bear. Life is so hard and so painful. But I cling to the knowledge that CHRIST understands my pain, and HE sent the Comforter to me. And I can praise HIM in this storm I am going through. And praising HIM makes the load just a bit lighter.
Still it sucks. Still it hurts. But, I know that one day, the light will break through, we'll be called to glory, and eventually all hurts, no matter who they are inflicted by, and all tears will be wiped away by the lovely rugged scarred hand of my LORD.
Thanks for bearing with me. I mean no offense to anyone. I just wanted to share with you, in case you too were struggling and needed a different insight! Love to you all!