Anxiety

I cannot even begin to explain how much I love my husband. I never even thought I would ever love him this much. It was incomprehensible. But, he is the most wonderful man.
You know, when you go through hard times, that is when you see how strong your marriage really is. And from where I am sitting (in my life, not necessarily at my 'puter ;0) ) I am blessed to say that I have a very strong marriage. I don't think I have hugged my husband so much than I have in the past few days. I just need to have him hold me in his strong arms cause that is where I feel safe.
Today was a very emotionally trying day. I have cried alot over the past few days. And many of those tears fell today. I couldn't hold my frustration in any longer. I am so stressed and anxious and nervous and terrified and ...............................................well, you get the picture. And today I took it all out on him! I was angry when I was talking to him and the tears were burning as they were falling ~ I know I looked like a disaster. I just kept saying the same thing to him that I have been saying over the past few weeks ~ "if you 'say'(said in the most sarcastic of voices) we are leaving and going to New York, then lets just do it and be done with it." And he is ever the voice of reasoning {which at these type of moments just adds fuel to my fire} "We aren't going anywhere unless I have a job right now, and only when July 31st comes and there's nothing, then we'll go" Good point and very valid, unless you are a highly emotional woman who wants everything done when I want it done, then it is just a stupid, absurd, maddening philosophy. So I storm off, knocking things off side tables as I go. I have anger issues ~ I'll be the first to admit it ~ and my anger is just not pretty. Really, is anyones? But I guess that is the nature of that emotion. And because caustic remarks keep coming to mind, I go back in the room and start railing on him ~ all this while trying to brush my teeth. I have never claimed to be rational!!!!
But I am also sobbing while trying to yell, brush my hair and brush my teeth. My head hurts from yanking on my hair so hard! But after a little while, I realize what I said and I do make my apologies. And as he is sitting there and I am begging his forgiveness, he just wraps his arms around my waist and says "of course." Then say that he understands and hardly ever takes my little rants too seriously. It just bothers him cause he knows my blood pressure is probably at unhealthy levels. Which is probably not too far from the truth!
But he is just an awesome husband. I know alot of men would angrily reply to their wives or take it to heart. But my Jesse knows my heart! I love that about him. He knows I was just speaking out of frustration and he forgives that weakness in me. That used to happen a whole lot, but it truly has been ages since either of us has been so keyed up. l
Tonight we had a very much needed Ladies meeting at church. I love our monthly ladies fellowship dinners. And tonight our two lovely deacon's wives shared their hearts with me. And shared their testimonies of when they or their husbands have went through the same things we have been going through ~ job loss, financial hardships, uncertainty. And they were so loving and sweet and just encouraged me to just trust the great heart of my Father who knows when the sparrow falls. Mrs Flynn just said something offhanded that hit me "HE knows". And HE does. Why is it so hard to trust the great God Almighty who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Who owns the wealth in every mine. Why is it so hard to trust HIS heart to take care of me and my family's needs. It is nothing for HIM to do it. HE's already shown me that HE will give me whatever I need. HE gave me HIS SON for my eternal soul. What's a few thousand to HIM. In the great scope of life, these hard ships won't mean a hill of beans, only how we have reacted to HIM and trusted HIS heart. May my faith be strengthened by sweet Mrs. Flynn ~ "HE knows".

I'm a song kinda girl and the song "Bow the Knee" by Chris Machen and Mike Harland (which just so happens to be on my playlist) has made me cry and cry today. Take a listen and here are the lyrics. Very appropriate for me right now! Such a blessing

There are moments on our journey following the Lord
Where God illumines ev’ry step we take.
There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us,
As we try to understand each move He makes.
When the path grows dim and our questions have no answers, turn to Him.

Bow the knee;
Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.
Bow the knee;
Lift your eyes toward heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.
And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan,
In the presence of the King, bow the knee.

There are days when clouds surround us, and the rain begins to fall,
The cold and lonely winds won’t cease to blow.
And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel;
We are tempted to believe God does not know.
When the storms arise, don’t forget we live by faith and not by sight.

HE KNOWS